Holding On
by DobbyLovesSocks
Summary: "Maybe she's dead and maybe she isn't, but it doesn't even matter because you're dead to her." /LavenderParvati femmslash, post-war. For Paula and Erin.


_"You said _always,_ Lav. Always."_

_"I know," she whispered. "But You-Know-Who's getting stronger, and people are dying, and... It's just too much. I'm sorry, Parvati."_

You sit on your bed, shaking with tears. You remember the feel of her hand against your cheek, her soft lips pressing against yours. How she would give you a little smirk that could always make you giggle, no matter what kind of mood you were in.

And, as much as you hate it, you _miss _her. You miss the feel of her touch and the way she could make you smile and most of all, you miss having someone by you no matter what, someone to hold you. The battle was over nearly a week ago, and you haven't seen her since. Your mother whisked you and Padma both away the moment she found you afterwards, and you've been holed up in your room at home ever since. Crying. Missing her.

You saw her get attacked by Greyback. No one saw you as you dashed by, toward another nameless Death Eater, but out of the corner of your eye, you saw him lunge.

_"I'm sorry, Lav,"_ you whisper. You should have stopped him, thrown him back before he could get to her. But you didn't. It all happened so fast, there wasn't time to think. But still, you blame yourself.

"Pavati, love?" your mother asks quietly, knocking gently on the door. "You need to come out."

"No," you shout back, but the sound is muffled in your pillow. "I'm not coming out until the battle didn't happen!" And you know you're speaking nonsense and you sound like a child, but at this moment, you don't care. What matters is that your best friend, the girl you love, is gone from your life. Maybe she's dead and maybe she isn't, but it doesn't even matter because you're dead to her.

But it _does_ matter. Because you love her and whether or not she loves you back won't change that. So you ignore your mother and pick at your food and your mind is just going _LavenderLavenderLavender_ and finally, you just can't take it anymore and you _scream._

That's the last sound you make for almost a week. You leave your room now, you sit with your mum and sister for meals and you even take a few bites, but you don't speak at all.

And finally, almost half a month after the battle, you hear a knock at the door. You try not to get your hopes up, but as you open the door you can't help but wish...

And for one terrifying moment, you think it isn't her. Then you realise. You see beneath the scars and scratches the same face you've known for years and her name barely escapes your mouth before she's thrown her arms around you; she's hugging you and you're hugging her back and you're both crying like you haven't seen each other in years. (And in a way, you haven't.)

"Now?" you ask, and the word catches in your throat. You're afraid to hear her answer as she whispers back,

"Now."

Suddenly she's holding onto you; your lips are pressed together and your mother and sister are just staring, because this is a secret you never had the time to tell. But it doesn't matter, because you're speaking again and you're eating again, and most of all, you're _happy _again. You grab her hand and pull her upstairs, and she looks at you with apologetic eyes.

"I could've never seen you again," you say quietly, "You could've died."

"I know," she answers, "I know. I-I'm sorry." You want to tell her that _sorry doesn't cut it_, that she nearly died- the last words between you a breakup-, that you're still angry. But you can't get the words out.

"I thought you were _dead,"_ you say, over and over again, while she whispers, "I know. _I'm sorry,_" holding onto your wrists. Silently, you wrap your arms around her and press your lips to hers.

_"Don't let go."_

* * *

**Thank you so much to Nayla, who beta-d this for me! :)_  
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**Dedicated to Paula, because it's my first try at femmslash, and it only seemed fitting that Paula should receive that. :) She's also a generally great person who can always make me laugh, and she's future-me.  
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**This is co-dedicated to Erin, because (for one thing, she's amazing, but she's getting another fic for that reason ;)) she unknowingly gave me 100% of the inspiration for this fic. :D (Also, sorry this dedication didn't come up earlier- my computer screwed up.)  
**

**Disclaimer: If I were J. K. Rowling, I doubt I'd be on fanfiction right now, wouldn't you agree?**

**Reviews would be fantastic!**


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